The League of Extraordinary Jaune-tlemen
by ZonkRT
Summary: All Jaune ever wanted was to be a hero. And yes, "Protector of the Multiverse" probably fits that category. But if someone had told him that he would need to work together with so many alternate versions of himself? "Farmer" isn't looking so bad anymore... Collaborative writing project founded on the Professor Arc Forum. Feat. Jaunes from Coeur Al'Aran and College Fool.
1. Introduction I

**Title: Introduction to the League**

 **Author: ZonkRT**

 **Original Date: 14 August 2016**

* * *

It was hardly a room, for a room needed walls, and there was no such thing here. Just a large conference table, a stack of (currently static) monitors at one end, and a large number of doors that stretched out into the abyss. A tall man in a blue coat took a long sip from his mug before sitting down at the head of the table.

"Alright, who's next?" The man sighed, plucking the top sheet from the stack of papers before him.

"Next up, we have Jaune Arc," The blonde announced without a hint of irony. He paused to accept the ambrosia from the tanned man with a smile as he sat next to him. "First year at Beacon, forged transcripts, standard...team" The hero of Magnis stopped and shared a look with the faux professor.

"Is that...is it him?" Another blonde asked, the word [Knight] somehow hovering over his head. "Have we found him?"

Professor Arc's eyes quickly scanned through the first page before moving to the second. "No combat ability, no talent, family possibly hates him," a turn of the page, and a gold seal at the bottom confirmed the League's hopes.

 _Verified Canon_ it read.

A grin split the professor's face. It took a long sip of his lifeforce to keep him calm. "Ghost?" He spoke to the dark end of the room.

A brief pause, and the wall of monitors behind him began displaying various images. A young blonde man tumbling through the sky before being pinned to a tree. Falling on his ass before a Deathstalker. Being shoved into (several) lockers. Falling on his ass before an Ursa. Falling on his ass before a certain redhead. Falling on his ass before the entire school...

It was _beautiful_.

"Gentlemen, I believe we have found him." Professor Arc rose from the table. "Knight, wake up JJ," he gestured to the snoring man next to the knight, "we have recruiting to do. Any questions?"

A bevy of blondes shook their heads even as one of them started kicking JJ. "Yeah, I got one." A voice called out from the darkness.

"Justin? What is it?"

"It's just Jaune, godda - anyway, when are we gonna get some lights down here?"

"Oh shut up," one of them said, "You chose to sit on the dark side."

* * *

Jaune tripped and collapsed into a heap before the door, but he didn't care too much. His teammate needed him, that's all that mattered.

The day had been going so swimmingly too! He'd just been catching up on some good ol' X-Ray and Vav in the library when he received the alarming message from his partner.

 _'help. roof'_

Pyrrha _never_ typed in sentence fragments. She had to be in some serious trouble. What Jaune would do to save her, he had no idea...

But he was team leader, dammit! On top of that, she was his best friend! He had to do something.

Picking himself up from the ground, he pushed the door open with all his might. Still a little too much, since he fell to the ground again, but hey, he was here!

He looked up to see a tall man looking out over the school, blonde hair blowing in the breeze. The coat that draped his substantial frame was a dark blue, and only gave away that he was dangerous and not to be trifled with.

Pyrrha was nowhere to be seen.

"Where is Pyrrha?" Jaune cried as he scrambled to his feet, "What have you done with her!?"

The man sighed. "She's fine, she should still be down in your room. This is hers, by the way." he tossed a hand over his shoulder, and Jaune only noticed the scroll sailing through the air towards him after it smashed against the ground, scattering into little pieces.

"What? How did you- who are- oh crap." Jaune stammered, several realizations hitting him at once. He shook his head before trying again. "Who are you?"

The man seemed to chuckle to himself before turning around slowly. His eyes met Jaune's.

"Well, I am Professor Jaune Arc of Beacon Academy." The man announced grandly, "and I have come here to offer you a-"

A loud sound rang through the air, and the last thing Jaune saw was the ground rocketing towards him.

* * *

"Goddammit JJ," the professor spoke through the hand on his face, staring at his canon form sprawled out on the rooftop, "'Frying plan' is plan B. 'Frying plan' is _always_ plan B."

The blonde teen simply shrugged and tossed the broken handle aside. "Hey, 'Frying Plan' always works. Besides, your method is too inconsistent." A yawn stopped him from saying anything further.

"It's inconsistent because you always bash them over the head before I can finish!"

"Remind me, how many times have we been turned down?"

Professor Arc could only accept the oncoming headache with a grimace. "Whatever. Sack him and let's go." He said as he pulled out his scroll. A loud groan caught his attention, as the candidate began pushing himself up. The professor could only wince as another frying pan was broken over his head, and he was sent crashing into the ground once more.

"Figure that'll give us a good five minutes," JJ said as he started pulling a large sack up the candidate's legs. Not more than a minute later, the sack was hanging off his shoulder. Almost like a perverted Santa Claus.

Professor Arc shuttered as he pushed the button, and a white light enveloped the trio.

* * *

When Jaune's vision returned, it was to a veil of darkness. His breath rolled against the stiff fabric covering his face and was trapped. Apart from some murmuring, there was not a sound to be heard. He tried to move his arms, but they were tied to the chair he sat on.

Something was clearly wrong. Whenever Nora kidnapped him it was rougher, not to mention filled with pirate slang loud enough to crack the windows.

"He's awake." Someone beside him said, in a voice all too familiar. Where had he heard it before?

 _'Okay Jaune, just keep it cool. You are the leader of team JNPR, and you are NOT about to start blubbering just because you've been kid-'_ The bag was pulled off his head, and his eyes...well, the room was pretty dark, so his eyes were fine. A girl screamed somewhere, and the man in front of Jaune quickly put his arms out in front of him.

"Easy there, you're safe. No one wants to...well, no one is _going_ to...you're safe." The man backpedaled a few times before finishing with a grimace.

 _'Tall, blonde, imposing'_ Jaune noted the features of the man. He looked to be middle-aged, and carried himself with the confidence of a man who had earned every one of his years. If anything, it reminded him of- "Dad?!"

The man blinked once, twice, before chuckling and shaking his head, "Close, but not quite." he said as he started to work on Jaune's ropes. "Sorry about this, but we've had some bad reactions in the past. Don't want anyone to get hurt."

Within a minute, Jaune was standing before the man. They were around the same height, although Jaune's build hardly compared. "So, who are you? Where am I? Is Pyrrha really safe?" Jaune asked one after the other.

The man stuck a hand out in front of him. "You can call me Magnis, you are in a pocket dimension between worlds, and yes, your Pyrrha is safe." It took Jaune a few seconds to realize the man was waiting for a handshake.

Jaune obliged, even as his mind whirled. Pocket dimension? Was that code for some criminal safehouse? Somewhere where he could be disposed of and never be found?

 _'Am I gonna die in here?'_ Jaune wined to himself.

"Now then," the man continued, ignoring Jaune's distress, "I believe it is time you meet the other members of the League. Come." he intoned as he walked towards the only door for the room.

Come to think of it, the room didn't seem to have any walls. It was just...black.

Jaune shook his head and followed the man, into another...room? He wasn't sure. But this one had a big table and a wall of monitors _,_ not to mention more doors.

Around the table sat several individuals. Jaune couldn't quite place it...but something was off about them.

There was a man dressed in semi-formal attire, slouched over the table and snoring. There was a man with rough brown skin, the kind one gets from working outside all day, every day. There was a fairly ordinary looking man of about forty, poking the nose of a stuffed bear (said bear seemed to be swatting his finger away, but Jaune was sure it was just the poor lighting). There was a man dressed in plates of white armor, with the word [Knight]...somehow floating above his head? There was a man dressed in a dark suit and hat, with a pair of red sunglasses covering half his face. There was a man that...looked fairly normal, dressed in jeans and a hoodie. And at the head of the table, there was a man in a blue coat, sipping from a white mug.

The man from the rooftop...

"Ah, I see Jaune is awake." The man said, as everyone (save for the sleeping man) turned to look at him. That was when Jaune noticed what had been bothering him.

They all had blonde hair...

"Is this a cult?!" A voice shouted. It took a minute for Jaune to realize it was his. "Are you going to make me do unreasonable things in order to coerce me into wanting to help you achieve your nefarious purposes!?"

The man with the mug stood, took a long drink, and started walking towards Jaune. "That...sounds about right, yes. Welcome."

Two for two, Jaune didn't notice the hand streched out in front of him. "Introductions can come later, first as for where we are and why you are here." The man pulled out a chair, which Jaune promptly sat in.

"As I have previously stated," the man continued "I am Professor Jaune Arc of Beacon Academy, and I am the leader of our merry band."

Jaune stared in silence for a moment. Two moments. Before...

"I haven't heard of you before, do you teach the higher years?"

The professor silently stared at him, and Jaune began to get nervous. What had he said?

"Okay, clearly the direct approach is necessary." He pulled out another chair and sat in it, next to Jaune. "My name is Jaune Arc."

Jaune nodded.

"Your name is Jaune Arc."

Nod.

"Magnis?" He pointed to the man in question, "His name is also Jaune Arc."

Nod.

"All of these fine gentlemen?" He gestured around the table, all of whom were watching. "They are all named Jaune Arc."

"Just Jaune, thank you." The suited one went ignored.

Jaune nodded again. "Dad always said it was a common name."

Silence. Man, he was getting a lot of those lately.

"Jaune." The man put a hand on his shoulder. "We all are named Jaune Arc because we all are the same person. We are the Jaune Arcs of the various universes in which you exist. We gather here in to ensure that the multiverse continues to exist. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

 _...you are in a pocket dimension between worlds..._

Jaune's face quickly paled.

The Professor smiled. "Good, then we have an understanding." He stood from his chair. "Allow me to be the first to formally welcome you...to the League of Extraord-"

Jaune's world went black as he passed out, face hitting the desk at record speed.

* * *

 **Anyone not a regular on the Professor Arc forums is probably very confused right now, so allow me to explain.**

 **This will be a collaborative writing project featuring several Jaunes from the Jaune-central fics of Coeur Al'Aran and College Fool, and their (mostly successful?) attempts to protect the multiverse from various threats. Writing will take place over on the forums, and will be the work of several different authors.**

 **This will be more akin to a series of one-shots as opposed to a story with an overarching theme. As such, this means that pretty much anyone can submit their tales to the forum, where we will look at it, make fun of it, and decide if it is League material (HINT: it probably is).**

 **I am NOT the sole author of this fic, and I do not take credit for the works of anyone else. This is a project that is going forward with full support and permission of both Coeur and CF.**

 **That being said, we will be limiting the number of Jaunes to something barely manageable, so for now the Jaunes in this story will be:**

 **Jaune Arc: Professor at Beacon Academy, is just a teenager in over his head [Professor Arc]**

 **Jaune Arc: Survivor of Magnis, experienced hunter, husband of Blake Belladonna [One Good Turn Deserves Another]**

 **Jaune Arc: Elderly teenager with a host of mental problems, is effectively immortal [Not this time, Fate]**

 **Jaune Arc: Teenager in a RPG world, just a lowly Blacksmith who wants to rise above his class [Forged Destiny]**

 **Jaune Arc: Disembodied spirit, currently confined to a stuffed bear [From Beyond]**

 **Jaune Arc: Normal teenager with a girlfriend of...questionable morals [Stress Relief]**

 **Jaune Arc: Just a humble farmer who never wanted to be a hero [A Farmer or Something]**

 **Jaune Arc: A teenager who failed to sneak into Beacon, and is now neck deep in a life of crime [A Common Criminal or Something]**

 **Jaune Arc: A representation of the househusband of no less than eight huntresses [A Househusband Macho or Something]**

 **Jaune Arc: A deeply, deeply confused teenager who just wants to go home [Canon]**

 **Expect full spoilers for all stories involved, so if you haven't read them...well, be warned.**

 **All that being said, allow me to formally welcome you, one and all... to the League of Extraordinary Jaune-tlemen!**

 **-Zonk**


	2. Introduction II

**Title: Introduction to the League, Part II**

 **Author: Coeur Al'Aran**

 **Original Date: 15 August 2016**

* * *

Jaune Arc came to with a loud gag. He always imagined that waking up from a dead faint would involve the senses slowly returning. Lights, colours, that sort of thing. Like coming out of a deep slumber.

It actually felt more like someone had shoved something horrifying up his nose.

"Oh hey," a voice cheered, "looks like the smelling salts worked."

"I don't think we're meant to use bleach as smelling salts."

"It's what Kitsune would do."

"That's what makes me think we shouldn't have…"

"Ugh…" Jaune forced his eyes open, blinking past the sharp light that invaded his retinas. "W-Where am I?" There were two figures above him, one larger than the other. "I had a crazy dream…"

"Welp. I'll leave this to you Magnis," one of the indistinct shapes said, clapping the man on the shoulder and fleeing. The last shape sighed and turned to Jaune.

"Did your dream involve you being in a pocket dimension surrounded by alternative versions of yourself?" the man who was definitely not his dad asked. "Because yeah, sorry. Not a dream."

Jaune felt sick. This could not be happening.

"Up and at em, kid." A hand dragged him up by his own, another coming to rest on the back of his shoulder as he was steadied. The older man, Magnis if he remembered, smiled down at him like his own father might have. _Like I will, when I'm older,_ Jaune realised. "Okay, looks like the direct approach might have been too… well, direct. How about we try the slow and steady version?"

"I-I'd appreciate that…"

Walking was difficult, but the man supported him with one arm. Jaune spared a glance at the older man from the corner of one eye. _This_ was what he would become when he was older? All terrifying notions of being trapped outside of time aside – hell yeah! Snow Angel would be all over him if he came out looking half as grizzled and cool as this man.

Oh wow, he could actually _ask_ Magnis what life was like when he was older, how strong of a Hunter he was. And he had to be, with how the man was dressed.

"So uh…"

"You can call me Magnis," the man laughed. "Obviously I'm Jaune, just like you. But we've all had to adopt codenames around here. Life is a little complicated without them."

"Right, Magnis… does that mean I need a new name too?" Codenames were cool, as long as they weren't vomit-boy or something similar.

"You might. I've heard a few refer to you as Canon Jaune, or CJ for short."

Cannon Jaune-? That didn't sound so bad. He didn't actually have a cannon or anything, but it was still a pretty cool name. Did that mean he was to become some kind of pirate – or maybe get a rocket fist like out of a comic?

"Regardless," the man continued, "I thought it might be best to introduce you to the League one thing at a time."

"All the people here?" Jaune asked.

"Not quite... It would take years to manage that, but I'll introduce you to our main strike team. If anything changes then we'll introduce you to people as you need to meet them. First we have myself, Magnis." The man turned and pointed at himself, smiling gently. "In my world I am essentially similar to you. I went to beacon, faked my entry," Jaune instantly coughed in panic, "oh don't worry, most of us did that. Anyway, there's nothing particularly remarkable about me. I grew up like this through the experiences I had. Fought in a little war, married Blake. You know, the usual."

"Yeah, okay…" Jaune sighed. "Nothing too – _wait a fucking minute!?_ Married _Blake_! As in Blake Belladonna, cool and collected beauty, black hair, has c-"

"Sexy cat ears?" Magnis finished. "Yes, that Blake. But it's Blake Arc if you don't mind. Surely you don't find that odd?"

"O-Odd? Of course it's odd – I haven't so much as _spoken_ with Blake since Beacon started. How did I end up m-m-marrying her?"

Not that he _wouldn't_ , given the chance. Holy cow! Was this the best day ever!?

"You might not end up marrying her. I only said that is how events happened in my world. That is the nature of the multiverse Jaune. Infinite possibilities and infinite worlds, each with a different Jaune Arc who grew up in a different way. This is what we wish to protect."

Okay, okay, he could do this. He just needed to calm down. There was nothing unusual about being surrounded by Jaune Arcs, there was nothing unusual about the multive- oh my sweet god, Blake Belladonna – him, married. _Sex_!

His brain fizzled.

"So here we one of the first Jaune's you need to meet," Magnis said, leading him towards an armoured figure who was hard at work at some kind of forge. The word [Knight] was suspended above his head, though it took Jaune a good few seconds to realise it wasn't a sign hanging from the ceiling. "This is… well, we call him Knight."

"Hello," Knight waved one arm, turning away from the forge. "Nice to meet you."

"You too…" Jaune couldn't take his eyes from the floating letters. They were two dimensional, solid white and quite bold. Not to mention downright bizarre.

"Knight comes from what you might call an RPG world," Magnis explained. Jaune's eyes widened as he caught on immediately.

"Oh, that's cool!" Ruby would be _so_ impressed if she knew he got to meet an honest to goodness rpg character. "So you're like a Knight, then?"

"Heh heh… uh… yeah, sure."

Aw man, that was amazing. Jaune wanted to leap in place but was afraid of looking even stupider than he already did. A thought came to him as he looked back to Magnis.

"So… do you mind if I ask? Are you married to anyone?" The Knight blinked before wincing and leaning away from Jaune. It took him a second to catch on. "I'm not asking for me! I just…" he sighed as Magnis laughed, "I want to know about all the other worlds."

"Ahh…" the Knight nodded. "That makes sense. Well I'm not married yet, but I did get with Ruby."

"R-R-Ruby!?"

He hadn't meant it quite so literally when he said Ruby would love to see a guy like this! Also, if Yang ever found out? He was a dead man.

"We'll leave you to it, Knight," Magnis dragged Jaune away by the arm. "We've got a mission later so swing by Command when you can." The armoured Jaune nodded and waved goodbye before getting back to his task, swinging a hammer.

Jaune didn't know what to say as he followed the older version of himself. Blake Belladonna and now Ruby Rose, that was incredible! He hadn't even managed to kiss a girl yet but these two had managed all that?

"So who's next?"

"I suppose farmer would be the easiest," Magnis led him into a corridor and across it to a different room. A tanned man sat inside, casually reading something. He stood up and nodded a greeting when Jaune entered. He looked a little older than Jaune currently was, but not as old as Magnis.

"Hello there," the man said, shaking Jaune's hand. "Call me Farmer Jaune, that's what I am after all."

"You're a farmer?" Jaune asked. That didn't sound nearly as epic as the other two.

"To my pleasure," the man laughed. "Real salt of Remnant, I am. Course, my wife's a true Hunter, one of the best in the business."

Jaune's mouth went dry, another wife? Was he the only one _not_ married?

"And who might that be?"

"Why Pyrrha of course."

"O-Of course…" Jaune choked. How on Remnant had a version of himself actually gotten with Pyrrha of all people? That just seemed too far out there. The girl saw him as nothing more than a close friend, maybe a brother at best.

"If you keep spacing out like that we'll never get this done," Magnis said as they left the room.

 _If you keep showing versions of myself that are with the hottest women in Remnant, then I'll never survive._

"Well these two should be a little easier," Magnis led him not into a new room, but rather a bench at the end of a corridor. Sat upon it was actually only one Jaune, who was dressed rather similarly to how he was now, and didn't look all that older either. On his lap was a yellow teddy bear. "This is Burnt and Ghost," Magnis introduced.

"Hi there," Burnt grinned. "You settling in okay?"

"Uh… yeah, I guess." Jaune scratched the back of his head. "So… why do they call you burnt?" He couldn't see any scarring, not that he was so rude as to look for it.

"No idea," the teen shrugged. "They won't ever explain."

"His girlfriend is Cinder Fall," Magnis whispered into Jaune's ear. The name… it actually meant nothing to him. Magnis must have noticed, "We'll fill you in later. Just trust me, it's weird as hell and nobody dares explain why. Roll with it."

"Right…" Jaune coughed. "So, this Ghost? I don't see anyone."

"Oh this is Ghost," Burnt laughed and held the bear up. Jaune spared a glance for Magnis, wondering if the poor soul wasn't touched in the head. Well, Jaune had grown up with younger sisters so he knew how to act.

"Hello Ghost," Jaune greeted, holding his hand out to the stuffed toy bear.

The bear shook it.

Somewhere, a woman screamed.

"You can come down now," Magnis laughed, trying to shoo Jaune off the top of a nearby book case. "And there's no need to scream, Ghost is harmless… so long as you're a guy."

"I didn't scream," Jaune denied. "That totally wasn't me. A-Also I am not afraid of ghosts; I don't know what you're talking about."

"I didn't say any-"

"Well I'm not afraid. But if you are then I don't mind if we go on and meet someone else. I mean if it's easier for you. I don't want you to be afraid."

Magnis rolled his eyes, "How kind of you. Right then, since I'm so frightened come on."

It went on like that for another twenty minutes or so. The names and numbers faded into his memory, he'd have to recall them later. Every single one seemed to have been with some girl one time or another, it was downright crippling for his ego.

There was even one guy who apparently was a househusband for all of his _and_ RWBY's team – at the same time! Something about the multiverse, Jaune had just nodded and made an "oh" sound. Hopefully one day he'd understand it.

Hopefully one day he would figure out how to recreate it!

Before long, however they came to an area Magnis referred to as the Command Centre. It was little more than a raised platform with a large desk on it, around which sat numerous seats. At the head was a single figure, sat looking over some paperwork with a long blue coat. Another man sat nearby, dressed in a crisp suit with red glasses and a frown.

And there was a third, asleep across three chairs that had been dragged together, head nestled atop his arms.

"This is Command," Magnis whispered. "There are innumerable Jaunes in the League, but only a small number of us take any part in day to day operations. We meet here for missions and to discuss problems that threaten the multiverse. At least, that's the theory. Sometimes we just meet here for shits and giggles."

"I do not giggle," the suited Jaune said, glaring at them over the frames of his red-tinted glasses. "This is canon Jaune, is it? I cannot say I'm impressed. I suppose that is the point."

"Hello Justin," Magnis waved.

"It's Just Jaune," the man growled.

"We can't just call you Jaune, it gets confusing."

"No… I mean _Just_ Jaune."

"That's what I said."

"Forget it…" he stood with a sigh and walked towards them, holding one hand out for Jaune to shake. The grip was firm and tight; it made Jaune sweat a little. This man was a little scarier than the others… apart from the g-g-g-ghost.

"W-Which member of our team did you end up sleeping with then?" It was not Jaune's best question. He knew that as soon as he uttered it. The man's frown went from slightly upset to positively _haunting_.

"Moving on," Magnis swept Jaune away as one might a child standing before an avalanche, quickly manoeuvring him over to man working at the head of the table. Behind them, Jaune could hear something snap. He didn't dare look back. "The guy lying down over there is jaded."

"Sure am," the shape grumbled.

"Oh, you're awake?" Magnis led Jaune over. The figure that was just waking up looked, for all intents and purposes, fairly similar to Jaune. Albeit for the black trousers and white dress shirt. He yawned loudly, pawing at his eyes.

"I am now," he sighed, giving Jaune a quick look up and down but not saying anything.

"This is Jaded Jaune," Magnis explained. "He… well, his world is pretty messed up to be honest. He gets to relive his life over and over until he fixes it, but even then it's still currently a category D universe."

"Category D?" Jaune asked.

"Doomed," the tired man yawned. "That's why I'm here."

"Jaded is working with the League to try and find a solution," Magnis said. "By experiencing and visiting other universes where the disaster was averted successfully, he hopes to replicate it in his own. If all else fails, once we gather enough strong Jaunes we'll likely storm his world and sort it out that way."

"So you…" Jaune struggled for the right words, "you've lived your live over and over?"

"Died well over a thousand times," the man said.

"He has," Magnis agreed. "What's more the experience has left him equal parts jaded and asshole. Well, either that or he's a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and slaughter us all." Jaded Jaune grinned widely at Jaune. "Hard to tell at times."

"Um…"

"Little bit of column A, little bit of column B…" Jaded Jaune's smile didn't falter, though it did take on a dangerous edge.

"So I call you Jaded Jaune?" Jaune asked.

"Or JJ," Magnis shrugged.

There was a rasp of steel as Jaune suddenly found a very familiar weapon tickling the underside of his chin.

"I would advise you not to call me JJ," the suddenly very serious man said.

"Y-You have a sword at my _throat_."

Jaded Jaune rolled his eyes, "Let me rephrase. I would _strongly_ advise you not to call me JJ."

"Oh ignore him," Magnis laughed. "He's practically a tsundere at this point. Well, that or the psychopath option. One or the other."

Jaune winced as the man with sword mouthed the word _guess_. Okay, he would definitely not be calling this man JJ any time soon.

"S-So who have you slept with then?" he asked instead. The sword went away, allowing Jaune to breathe easily once more.

"You want the list?"

"More than one?" Jaune gasped, even as Magnis groaned and rubbed his face. "I want to know!"

"Yang, Weiss, Glynda, Neo." The man proudly nodded. Jaune's mouth fell open. Okay, he didn't recognise the last one, but the other three he _definitely_ did. Yang, hottest babe in school, Weiss – Snow Angel herself and then… _Miss Goodwitch_!?

"All four of them?" Jaune was nearly hyperventilating. Jaded frowned, however.

"Oh sorry, no," he laughed, making Jaune calm down. "That was the list of women I _haven't_ slept with."

"…"

Magnis coughed, "Sadly, he _is_ being serious there."

"Apart from my family, of course," the Jaded teen added.

"Only you would have to explicitly state that." Magnis rolled his eyes.

"Oh fuck you! I don't know what's up with the Coral of my world. She's broken, okay? You don't see me mentioning the scary mother, do you?"

"Because saying her name might summon her, you madman!"

"Ooh, scared?"

"Pah, hardly. I actually have children I can show, so I'm safe."

"Oh god, if you bring out the baby pictures again I am killing you."

Jaune's head snapped back and forth between the two as they continued to argue. He had gotten lost the moment they started and it still didn't seem to be coming any closer to territory he recognised.

"Gentlemen," a calm voice spoke, silencing them once and for all. "You are confusing our guest."

Jaune's eyes were drawn to the head of the large table, where the single figure from earlier sat. In terms of face and body he looked just like Jaune did now, but in terms of presence he felt larger than Magnis. A blue coat, stern expression – the way his eyes skimmed over paperwork with a careful eye. The man paused to take a long sip of coffee. And for a moment, it almost felt like the man was staring _through_ Jaune. Seeing some world that he could not, perhaps reading into every little dirty secret Jaune had.

"That's our leader," Magnis whispered. "Professor Arc of Beacon, raised to be a Hunter from ten, lost his first school to an invasion – survived in the wildlands. He was accepted as a professor of Beacon at just twenty!"

Jaded Jaune grabbed Jaune from behind, whispering into his other ear.

"Has Yang chasing him – _Yang_! Also has Glynda wrapped around his finger, not to mention I heard he sleeps with Neo _every night_." The jaded man appeared to become even more jaded, weeping something about his collection being incomplete. "What's more he has Ruby after him, made out with Cinder Fall in front of the _entire_ school!"

" _And_ ," Magnis chipped in. "He got mouth-raped by _Coco Adel_!"

Jaune felt like his eyes might pop out of his skull. This… this was everything he dreamed of being, the true pinnacle of what he could become. Not older like Magnis, not jaded and loose like… well, Jaded. But a man who people could respect. A man who _earned_ his place in the world… who had genuine achievements he could aspire to.

A man the people loved for what he had actually done!

A man who made out with Coco Adel! Also, he still had no idea who this Neo character was, but she filled him with equal parts terror and lust already. Jaune wasn't sure why.

"Is it true?" Jaune whispered, somehow imagining that this miracle version of himself would decry it all. The older man looked at each of them, fingers steepled before his face.

"Sure, why not."

 _My god… he's incredible._

"Why don't you sit down, Jaune."

Jaune's ass had never hit a chair harder. He needed to learn _everything_ this man had to say.

"Uh… very good. I suppose you are wondering why we brought you here Jaune. Why we sought you out specifically?" Jaune nodded. It had crossed his mind. "Before your… unfortunate sleep, I was about to welcome you. Allow me to try again. Welcome Jaune, to the League of Extraordinary Jauntlemen."

There seemed to be a crack of thunder in the distance. Jaune thought it fate, before he heard someone shouting an apology. Professor Arc's expression became pinched.

"We are here to protect the multiverse," the man went on. "Imagine if you will, millions of small worlds – each with a Jaune of their own. Every Jaune might be different, each one might live in a world we can barely recognise – yet each one has their part in the grand scheme of things. Some may be faunus, some might be bankers, others Hunters, heroes or even aliens. The possibilities are endless."

"Okay, I think I get it…"

"Now the League," here the professor paused to point at the other men at the table, "are responsible for caretaking the multiverse and making sure that everything continues as it is supposed to. Normally this is a fairly easy task, things take care of themselves for the most part. But occasionally we come across a world with a problem." He paused there, to take a short drink of coffee. "We call these Category worlds. Where each might have a Category from A to E, depending on how bad they are. These are universes in which an external force has caused a problem, an anomaly which threatens the natural order. That is where we step in, to help reset the balance."

"What do the categories stand for?" Jaune asked.

The proud man coughed. "A stands for _argh shit._ B stands for _Bollocks this is bad!_ C stands for _Crap on a pancake, this is awful!_ And D stands for _Doomed_."

Jaune's brow twitched, "And what does E stand for?"

"Exterminated."

Jaune swallowed.

"I see you understand how serious this is Jaune. We need to avoid Category E universes at all costs, hence our intervention. Hence why we need _you_."

"Me?" Jaune stood up and pointed to himself. "But what can I do!? I'm not strong like you, or experienced like Magnis or jaded like Jaded."

"That's not a qualification!" said Jaune growled. "I have more to me than my attitude!"

"I'm just me… useless little me…"

"Exactly," Professor Arc smiled. "You are just what we've always needed Jaune. The original, the _canon_ Jaune. We have faunus Jaunes here, female Jaunes, warrior Jaunes and Jaunes with wings and antennae, but all those things are hard to hide. When we infiltrate a universe we have a particular MO. We meet with and explain the situation to the residing Jaune."

"Then when that inevitably fails I introduce them to Plan B," Jaded Jaune interrupted.

"And then we replace them," the professor struggled valiantly on. "We use an agent to infiltrate and take their place, while a strike team of more experienced Jaunes deals with the problem." He paused to wave at the Jaunes around the table as he said the word experienced. They all nodded back, including Justin, who watched proceedings silently from his seat. "You are perfect for being an agent, Jaune."

"I am?"

"You are. It's easier to add things then to take them away. Faunus Jaunes are great for infiltrating faunus universes, but it's hard to hide a tail and ears when we need to. We could add fake appendages to you if we needed to. Magnis struggles due to his size, Knight due to the floating words above his head. Jaded because well… _look at him_."

"Hi." Jaded grinned.

Jaune saw exactly what the professor meant.

"You, however… you're just plain enough, just unremarkable enough. Whatever we need, as a _base model_ we can craft you into it." The man became excited, reaching across the table to clap a hand on Jaune's shoulder. "You have no added benefits, not a single thing that makes you unique or unusual. You are the epitome of boring, the very definition of standard. You are the most _vanilla_ Jaune we have ever seen! And that's what makes you perfect for this job."

There was silence for a few seconds, punctuated only by a slow applause from down the table. "Congratulations," Justin smirked, clapping his hands sarcastically.

"Good job," Jaded agreed, wrapping an arm around Jaune's shoulder. "You win the most useless you award, here's a cookie."

Jaune wanted to cry.

* * *

 _Author's Note: None_

* * *

 **Who better to start it off than the man himself?**

 **Updates will probably not be quite this frequent going forward, but with a theoretically infinite number of authors to work with, who knows?**

 **-Zonk**


	3. Yanderes: Gotta Dodge 'Em All!

**Title:** **Yanderes: Gotta Dodge 'Em All!**

 **Author: TheTrueOverlordBear**

 **Original Date: 4 September 2016**

* * *

Her dear blonde knight was right in front of her on the empty street, his back facing her. Her shield was ready for blocking his sword, while her spear was prepared for rewarding her love's wonderful rear.

Yes, now is the time for - Oh wait, better kick away that blonde bimbo.

"Go die in a fire, Pyrrha!" said blonde bimbo shouted as she was launched away. No way was she going to use her blonde rag to seduce him!

And yes, now is the time for surpr -

"Hi, my name is Jaune Arc, and welcome to the Yandereverse."

She was about to bring her spear up his rear, but her deliciously challenging Jaune was faster, driving his sword into her chest again while successfully resisting her attempts at immobilizing him with her Semblance. It was frustrating to not be able to dominate him, but it wasn't like she didn't enjoy his brutality.

"I love it when you drive your sword into me..." Pyrrha Nikos breathed with a moan, and her breathing was getting pretty steamy too.

Somebody squeaked, and Pyrrha turned her eyes to the source of that cute and familiar squeak.

Behind sword-wielding Jaune Arc was a scared boy, also named Jaune Arc, because they looked identical, and oh yes, she was enjoying the sight, indeed! Blood spurted out of Pyrrha's nose like a fountain, her saliva and more of her blood flowed out of her mouth like a raging waterfall, and the thought of ravishing and being ravished by two Jaunes drove her towards a wonderfully bumpy river of pleasure.

And so, along with her scream of ecstasy, the last sound that Pyrrha heard before falling into unconsciousness again was a very loud and very high-pitched scream that definitely belonged to her dear Jaune.

* * *

Jaune Arc did a get a cookie, but that cookie came with what Jaded called "The Most Useless You Award." Yes, he knew that he wasn't pretty skilled when it came to being a Hunter, but that didn't mean that he didn't believe in his improvement! He managed to kill an Ursa Major back at Forever Fall, he managed to stand up against the bullying Team CRDL, and his team - which also has the really wonderful Pyrrha Nikos - believes in him! So, Jaune won't cry, and he won't disappoint his team!

"Oh wait, I think there are other Jaunes who are more useless than you," Jaune heard Jaded continue, and the former's interest was piqued, although he felt a little bad about feeling that way. "Yandere-13's a torso, Dancing...can his moves even work in combat? And then there's Farmer, whose only skill is nailing a badass wife, and - "

Suddenly, Jaune felt himself being pulled away.

"Don't take him too seriously, CJ," the Professor whispered, sparing a quick glance at Jaded as well. "Failing multiple repeats tends to break a person's spirit bigtime, you know. Still, he's an important guy here. I don't mind if you don't like his bitterness, but I hope you understand why he's like that, at least."

Jaune quietly nodded, giving one more glance at the ranting and flourishing Jaded before going to a quieter area in the Command Center. He thought about having some friendly chats with Jaded sometime, but there was a more important thing that Jaune had to do.

"Can I take a mission now?" Jaune asked, facing the Professor. "I want to prove that I'm not useless."

"Is that so?" the Professor replied. "I know that feeling very much, alright." Then, ringing resounded throughout the room. "Oh, someone's calling for help," said Professor Arc as he moved to a glowing panel on the large desk. "Hm...Yandereverse-118."

"Can I take that mission?" Jaune inquired, a fire blazing bright in his eyes, plus no hesitation in his voice. He really wanted to get some heroic work done as soon as possible, and he wanted to prove his worth to all the other Jaunes!

As for the Professor, he took a look at Jaune, and then at the table, and then back at Jaune. He looked up as well, expression thoughtful, and then he gave a question to Jaune.

"Are you sure? No mission here is easy, after all."

Jaune wasn't really amused by the Professor's reply. Sure, the Prof was probably concerned for his safety, but Jaune didn't see the need for that question!

"I'm really really sure, Professor," Jaune answered, determination steeled harder.

"That's the spirit, CJ!" Magnis suddenly praised, giving a slap to Jaune's back. "Come on, follow me, I'm gonna brief you on this mission."

Meanwhile, Jaune hoped that no one was staring at his momentary loss of balance back there. Also, he was starting to feel some nervousness as he thought about himself actually going on a mission, but Jaune tried to maintain his composure. He asked for it, which meant no chickening out of it!

"What's the mission about, Magnis?" Jaune asked, face set into seriousness.

"Oh, I was just gonna talk about that right before you asked!" Magnis commented with a friendly smile on his face. "So, the Yandereverse is a pretty crazy world. I'm sure you've known about yanderes before, right?"

"Yanderes..." Jaune felt like he had heard that word before, but still, what it actually meant was unclear to him. "What's a yandere?"

At that, Magnis gave him silence for an uncomfortable while.

"Well..." the older Jaune tried to start, "They're very...in love."

"In love?"

"Okay, so, in the Yandereverse, a lot of pretty girls like Jaune Arc."

Jaune felt envy at the Jaune of the Yandereverse. How is that even possible?

"And...?" Jaune trailed, waiting for further explanation about the world of that envy-worthy Jaune, but Magnis seemed to be hesitating, uncertain of what to say in response. "Uh...is there something wrong, Magnis?"

Suddenly, a voice sounded, but it wasn't Magnis's voice.

"Boop!"

Something glowed from below Jaune. When he looked down, he saw a circle with the Arc family crest, and its light took over his vision after a few moments.

"Damn it, Jaded!" were the last words Jaune heard before he started feeling like some squeezed object that was also being stretched out with an erratic rhythm.

When the squeezing and stretching stopped, Jaune hit the ground, going on all fours before vomiting whatever his stomach had inside it.

"Ugh...there goes my lunch..."

Feeling tired after that unexpected and painful teleportation, Jaune rolled away from his vomit to lie down and fully recover his senses.

Really, he didn't expect teleportation to be so painful! That was worse than what he usually felt when he rode a Bullhead! How do all the other Jaunes manage to handle that sort of transportation?

"I need medicine..." Jaune whimpered.

"You called, Vomit Boy?"

Suddenly, Jaune heard a voice, and it sounded like the source was nearby. He blinked, hoping for his vision to clear up more quickly.

Eventually, he saw someone standing over him.

That someone was Yang Xiao-Long, smiling with a teasing feel.

"Hey, Yang..." Jaune greeted, although his dizziness didn't let him put much energy into it. "Can you help me up...?"

" _Sure._ "

Was that him being dizzy, or was that Yang purring? Jaune wasn't quite sure with his muddled senses, though.

"There you go," he heard Yang say after he felt her taking his hand and pulling him up. He was right up her front, and his fellow blonde had her arms wrapped around him. Hm, she had some good hands, too, massaging his shoulders, his back, and...his butt?

"Wait, what are you doing, Yang?" Not like he didn't like the massage, but boundaries had to be respected!

"I'm giving you some healing," his fellow blonde answered, giving him a look of innocent curiosity that seemed kinda...off. "Is there anything wrong with that?"

Still, Jaune felt awkward because of her answer, so...

"Aha...well, I don't mind the massage, but...you know...boundaries?"

"What do you mean by boundaries?" Yang questioned. "Aren't we lovers, Jaune?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...Lovers!? Us?" Seriously, Jaune didn't mind having the blonde bombshell as a girlfriend, but boundaries! Or maybe she was just really touchy-feely when it came to expressing her affection? Considering what he knew about Yang, that seemed to make sense. Also, stealing another guy's girl, even if said guy is a different version of himself, is something that Jaune considered a no-no.

"Are you saying that we're _not_ lovers, Jaune?"

Strange, why were her eyes going red? Also, speaking of her eyes, they looked...empty?

"Okay, I don't like the way you're approaching me, Yang..." said a nervous Jaune with his hands up in front of him, "Can't we talk about this calmly? I may have forgotten something really important, and my motion sickness probably did that, you know! So, yeah...yeah...ye - "

"I'm going to make you remember, then, Jaune," Yang said with a low voice, and then her lips met his.

She had his head in her hands, too, and Jaune was really shocked by the kiss he thought he didn't deserve. Sure, Yang's an awesome girl, but Jaune's a dork, and - Wait, was that tongue?

Jaune pushed the blonde brawler away before he got totally intoxicated by that kiss. Not like he didn't like it, but things were going too fast!

"Mmm...Now that's so _you_ , Jaune..."

The following moan from Yang caused Jaune to shudder.

"Nope!" Jaune shouted, trying to turn around and run, only to feel himself trip on something and hit the ground.

Still, Jaune didn't give up, and he tried to crawl away.

"What's wrong, Jaune? I thought you wanted my healing love?"

Unfortunately, Yang was faster, and she managed to sit on his back. She whispered those words to his ear, and he felt a new level of terror when she mentioned "healing love."

"Feel free to milk me all. You. Want."

His senses were heightened, but he couldn't move. Jaune shivered and let out a squeal of terror as he felt her tongue slowly go up his cheek. His heightened senses had turned against him, quickly increasing the fear he felt as Yang slowly felt him up.

Suddenly, Jaune heard a smack and a yelp, which came along with a weight taken off his back. He rolled over to see who did that, and indeed, he felt relieved when he did so.

Standing tall was another Jaune, who pretty much wore Jaune's usual combat outfit but with lots of scratches, tears, dirt, blood, and other signs of battle and damage. He walked over to Yang, who looked up at him with a disturbingly elated face, and then he swung his Crocea Mors down, cutting Yang's right arm off. At that, she let out a bloodcurdling scream, and then she passed out.

Jaune was glad for the help, but he also felt terror at how brutal the other Jaune dealt with the insane Yang, whose fainting didn't deliver relief. He then shook his head, remembering what Magnis had told him.

Then, the brutal Jaune turned around, and Jaune saw a scarred and tired face.

The scars, with their number and the way they crossed, were more horrifying than awe-inspiring, though.

"Go die in a fire, Pyrrha!" Jaune suddenly heard Yang shout.

Recognizing the name Yang shouted out, Jaune looked past the Jaune with scary scars.

The creepily smiling figure who wasn't doing sneaking well definitely wasn't the Pyrrha that Jaune considered a friend.

"Hi, my name is Jaune Arc, and welcome to the Yandereverse."

Yandereverse Jaune, shaking, then turned around, following up his introductory words with a sword that was driven through Pyrrha's chest. Said yandere struggled for a while, but then she started wearing that creepy smile again.

"I love it when you drive your sword into me..." Pyrrha declared, panting as her breath started becoming visible.

Jaune couldn't help squeaking in fear. He reminded himself to kill yanderes on sight, and he repeated that reminder again and again with more haste while he froze at the sight of Yandere Pyrrha bleeding from her nose, mouth, and chest. Her crazed eyes and her loud scream then caused Jaune to express his fear vocally.

If someone were to ask him about who screamed at that moment, Jaune would say that it was some woman nearby, which meant that the scared screamer wasn't him.

"What is wrong with you!?" Jaune shouted. "You don't need to deal with them like...like _that_! And what is up with this world!?"

"No, what is wrong with _you_?" the other Jaune asked back before throwing his arms up. "What is up with those idiots at the League? Seriously, they sent a screaming softie to switch with me? And he doesn't even know what a yandere is!?"

"Hey! And what's a yandere, then!?"

"They're insane, and they deserve to die horribly!"

"Not like you're making yourself look any better! What did they do to you, anyway!?"

The scarred Jaune then had a look that caused the bad sort of chills within Jaune.

"What did they do to me?" Scary Scarface Jaune said, head slowly turning and shaking around with those eyes of madness. "Oh, you don't even know half of it...and if I'm right about what you're supposed to be doing here..."

A frightening grin grew on the scarred Jaune's face.

"You'll learn a lot about it soon..."

With that threat ringing alarm bells in his mind, Jaune tried to look around, to find a way to escape the madman who wanted to switch with him. Then, he spotted a strange light on the ground nearby. It started from being a glowing little dot, which then expanded into a large circle. A certain familiar family crest shone, brightening into a flash that blinded Jaune temporarily.

Then, he saw two awesome versions of himself.

"The rescue team has arrived!" the Professor declared, Crocea Mors at the ready.

"Also, we have medicine, water, and food," Magnis added, showing the backpack he had.

And so, Jaune let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Easily giving up on a mission was stinging to his pride, but he'd like to have a mission that was not too much for his current skill level.

"Oh no...no no no no no..."

Jaune turned to Scary Scarface Jaune, who was looking with a mix of fear and anger at his fellow Jaunes.

"Uh...what's wrong?" Jaune asked, frantically shooting wide-eyed looks at the others. The shivering's already starting again, too...

"They know the scent of Jaune Arc," growled the terribly scarred Jaune. "And they gather towards it and its source like Grimm sensing negativity! What do you think would happen when there's _FOUR JAUNE ARCS_ , then!?"

Jaune whimpered in fear. As for Magnis and the Professor, their faces hardened with seriousness.

Suddenly, there was a blast of freezing air, and, barring their heads, they were totally encased in ice.

"Quite a beautiful sight..." said Weiss Schnee as she stepped into view. "It makes me want to show how much of a master I am..."

She looked at each of the four Jaunes. Jaune could see calm in her blue eyes, and they were chilling, but the chills were not awe-inspired. Just like the Yang he had encountered recently, this Weiss's eyes had a sort of emptiness in them.

"Very beautiful, indeed..." she continued, her small smile inspiring fear. "At first, you were annoying, but after some time, I realized that it was Fate's way of bringing us together." Then, she raised her arms. "With this, I am certain that Fate is...beautiful..."

"Has Jaded ever met this Weiss before?" Magnis interrupted, although Weiss seemed to be ignoring it via being stuck in whatever fantasy trance she was currently having.

"Jaded's been here before," the Professor answered, "But I don't think he's met this Weiss, 'cause I don't remember him going Fate-hating berserk here before."

"Uh, guys?" Jaune called. "Shouldn't we be trying to escape or something?"

"You think we can escape like this, dumbass?" the heavily scarred Jaune asked, adjusting his head to point at their ice-cased bodies. "We can only wait for certain doom...and remember: _They won't show any mercy._ "

"Can we temporarily rely on _them_ , though?" Magnis wondered, eyes gazing at the distance, going up along with his head as well.

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"Look up."

Jaune followed Magnis's sight, and from above, he immediately started looking lower.

When he realized what just happened, he screamed at Weiss's decapitated head. Not like dead Yandere Weiss was a bad thing to him, but decapitating a person was not something that he could easily look at.

Also, Ruby Rose's mad grin and Blake Belladonna's gory slicing were not helping.

"Best. Day. Ever!" Ruby declared as she looked at the Jaunes around her, saliva flowing as she zipped around and left traces of them on each Jaune's cheek. "This is the best day ever! And Blake won't have to get in my way, 'cause there's more than enough Jaunes for the two of us! Finally, I'll be able to see and play with Jaune's sword all for myself!"

Jaune couldn't form any coherent words at the insanity that was happening.

"Well, at least this Blake knows where to go," Magnis quipped, weakly laughing as Blake crept up on the ice that covered him. "Okay, nope, I wanna go home, and I want the Blake I know _and_ love," he added when Blake started doing licking, biting, and breathing on his ear. "Stop that whispering, please...Ah, I don't want it! I really don't want it!"

In an attempt to not let the attack on Magnis traumatize him, Jaune turned to the Professor, who was...doing pretty well compared to the rest of them.

"Professor?" Jaune called. "Are you okay there?"

Smiling, the longcoated professor showed calmness to Jaune.

"Worry not, CJ," the calm professor said, "For I have a plan."

Jaune brightened at that. "Really?"

"Yes," the Professor answered as he closed his eyes, nodding, "You'll see...you'll see..."

Now, Jaune assumed that they'll have to wait and hope for the best, so Jaune did just that...even though Ruby was eyeing him like a piece of meat - or, in this case, a piece of weaponry.

"Everything will be fine," Jaune told himself as he shut his eyes. "Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. Even though I can feel Yandere Ruby's breath so close to me, everything will be fine! Oh, and thank goodness she's far away from me again, everything will be fine..."

At that point, Ruby had started using Crescent Rose as an ice pick. Her deranged laughter caused Jaune to speed his mantra-chanting up, too.

"Everything will be fine everything will be fine everything will be fine - "

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH, DAMN IT!"

And then there was an explosion of cold and heat. Coming from a steam-covered section of Weiss's Dustwork was a burning man, striking in appearance with his blonde hair, blue eyes, and awful scars. Especially the awful scars, alright.

Really, Jaune wasn't sure about whether to be relieved or to be scared at Scary Scarface Jaune's raging prisonbreak. Those scars looked scarier than ever, see!

Meanwhile, Ruby and Blake had their eyes on that scarred Jaune, and their reactions were nothing short of disturbing.

"I'm coming, Jaune..." Ruby audibly whispered right before passing out with a fountain of blood from her nose.

As for Blake...she purred loudly, and then she jumped towards the angry Scarface.

"DOWN, YOU CRAZY CAT!"

Now, back to Blake, she was in the middle of trying to jump Scary Scarface when her target's Aura blazed as he shouted an order. That order was followed by her immediately dropping to the ground.

"AND STAY DOWN!"

Much to Jaune's surprise, Blake whimpered and curled up. Again, he was unsure about whether to be relieved or to be terrified at the scarred man who was having an outburst.

"What a beautiful work of art, indeed..." sighed the separated head of Weiss. "Looks like the two of us really were born for each other, then..."

Now that got Jaune passing out with a scream.

* * *

And Jaune woke up gagging again. Did they use bleach?

"Works everytime," said a Jaune voice.

"Shouldn't we let him have his sleep, Professor?" said another Jaune voice that sounded older. "I mean, we need to debrief him, but it's not like we need to hurry sending him back, you know. It's not like time there would be moving while he's outside of it."

"I think he would be more relieved when we tell him that he can go home quickly, Magnis," the Professor replied as Jaune's vision became clear again. "So, how are you feeling, CJ?"

"I had a nightmare," Jaune answered, recalling all those horrible things with a glassy gaze. "I saw Team RWBY going crazy on me - on us. And there was a Jaune with really scary scars."

"Well, don't worry about it anymore, Jaune," the Professor told him. "You'll be going back to your home world soon."

It was sudden, but it was not unwelcome.

"Oh, thank goodness..." Jaune breathed, dropping his upper body to the floor of the oddly spacious League room. "My world feels much more comfortable compared to that nightmare of a world..." Then, he realized a bunch of things. "Wait, why was there no Grimm back there? And how did we get out of there? What happened to Scary Scarface? And what about Jaded?"

The two other Jaunes exchanged a look. Magnis nodded, and the Professor answered first.

"We're not sure about the general activity of the Grimm there yet, but you don't need to worry about it, CJ. We can handle it." Then, he offered a hand, which Jaune took for him to stand up easily. "As for how we got out of there, Yandereverse-118 Jaune got us out with the help of his newly discovered Semblance: Infatuation-based Obedience."

'''Infatuation-based Obedience'?"

"The more lovesick one is on the wielder, the more obedient they'll be towards the wielder," Magnis explained. "In other words, the Jaune you call 'Scary Scarface' now has yanderes under his control, which means Mission Accomplished! He doesn't need our help anymore, and although this feels uncomfortable to say, I guess we couldn't have done it without you, CJ!"

Jaune let out a loud sigh of relief at that. "Finally...and thank you...Yanderes are really scary, alright..."

"Indeed. Oh, and as for Jaded..."

* * *

"Not like being sent here is a problem to me, but damn it, I want my teleporter operation privileges back!"

"Wait a second...I know you. You're that asshole who left me behind!"

"Oh, it's you...and the yanderes are...following you...?

"I discovered my Semblance today, asshole. Also, I heard that you hate fate, so lemme introduce you to someone who loves it."

"Hello, Asshole Jaune. I am Weiss Schnee, and this fateful meeting is certainly a beautiful one, no?"

"Ugh, fuck this shit...AND FUCK FATE SO HARD IN THE ASS!"

* * *

"Yeah," the Professor continued. "That, and no teleporter operation privileges indefinitely. Now, I think you'd like to rest in a more comfortable place, so...Justin?"

Justin grunted, working stuff at a panel on the Command Center table again.

"Time for you to go back home, CJ," the Professor said with a smile.

Jaune couldn't help smiling back.

And so, Jaune went to stand on the teleporter circle again. This time, there was no sudden and cruel teleportation.

"Oh wait, I forgot to give you some medicine!" Magnis shouted as the teleporter circle's light brightened, but he was too late.

Jaune returned retching at the rooftop of the Beacon dormitory. While being assailed by dizziness, the desperate and motion-sick blonde crawled to the door that lead to the stairwell.

"Whoa, you okay there, Arc?"

Jaune hoped that Cardin wasn't there to bully him. He had had enough of getting a ton of misfortune in one day...

Contrary to his fears, though, Jaune was helped up by the leader of Team CRDL.

"What are you doing here, Cardin?" Jaune asked, voice weak because of his motion sickness.

"I thought there was something weird going on up here," Cardin said as he supported Jaune, "But then I found someone who needed help, so here's me, helping someone out for a change."

Jaune wanted to think further about why Cardin decided to help him, but the blonde wanted to get back to his dorm room already, so...

"Just help me get back to my room...and thanks, Cardin..."

"Eh, don't mention it."

"Heh...today's been a weird day, alright..."

* * *

And Jaune will find out that the following days will become weirder.

See, in the time between Jaune's return to his home world and his arrival at his team's dorm room, Pyrrha woke up from what she considered a very strange but very pleasing dream. She had seen two Jaunes, and they definitely looked handsome, way more handsome than the Jaune she knew and loved. One wore a dark blue coat that hid strength, while the other had a gaze that reflected her wild fantasies of him.

Then, the Jaune with the suave look approached her, held her chin, and said:

"Wanna _'spar'_?"

It was weird, but she felt lightheaded during that dream, and she felt pretty wet too. She couldn't remember what happened after that Jaune said _that_ , though.

Also, Pyrrha hoped that she didn't leave a noticeable stain on her bed. That would be very embarrassing, especially if Jaune found out about it.

"Oh, thank goodness...There are no stains..."

"Hi, Pyrrha."

At that voice, her head whipped to the source of that very familiar voice.

"Jaune?"

Before she could get a reply, though, she felt a stinging sensation on her neck.

"Wha - "

Then, as she tried to reach for her neck, she felt her body go numb, dropping to the floor and into unconsciousness.

Now, with Pyrrha knocked out thanks to a tranquilizer dart, Professor Arc quietly placed a sticky note on her forehead. He checked the curtains, which were covering the windows, and he nodded to Magnis, who held the tranq gun. Then, with scrollwork and bright light, the two Jaunes teleported back to the League's headquarters.

A short while after that, Jaune entered the room, staggering towards his bed after closing the door.

"Ugh..."

The last thing he saw before he dived into sleep was the note on Pyrrha's forehead.

 _"We'll meet again._

 _\- PA"_

Jaune had had enough of thinking about weird stuff and all that, though, so he decided to push that sight to the back of his mind as he went to sleep.

* * *

 _Author's note: I had the privilege of writing this crazy chapter for this crazy fanfic project. You can call me "The Overlord Bear," or "Tobby," and I'm a new guy at The Professor Arc Forum. I've been a mostly silent reader of Coeur's and CF's RWBY fanfics, and I guess this fanfic project plus my boredom and my impulsiveness got me going into joining the forum and its shenanigans, which includes actually writing stories and gathering feedback about my stories. Really, I've been putting off writing stories a lot lately, and I'm especially glad about getting feedback about my writing even though the thought of checking them out makes me feel nervous. I don't think I've been getting a lot of feedback about my writing before I joined the forum, and freaking nuts, this is freaking refreshing, alright. So, thank you very much, fellow forum peeps!_

 _And now, as for you, dear reader...I'd like some honest constructive feedback, please._

* * *

 **Big thanks to A Stuck At Home Tome for the glorious artwork that has become our cover.**

 **-Zonk**


	4. Just One of the Girls I

**Title: Just One of the Girls - Part One**

 **Author: Capitain Lazar**

 **Original Date: 14 November 2016**

* * *

Now that Canon had been sent home, the Headquarters of the League of Extraordinary Jaune-tlemen had returned to its normal state… Completely insane.

Ghost was trying to strangle Justin, though, for obvious reasons, this wasn't working as well as he had hoped.

Farmer was trying to figure out how the new League issued scroll was working, and complaining loudly about "new-fangled technology" and "whippersnappers."

Househusband was in the middle of a heated argument with Magnis and Burnt about the merits of their choices in partners, a not uncommon occurrence, though one that was consistently awkward.

Jaded fell asleep on the couch.

And in the middle of all of it, was the Professor. Rubbing his temples, and desperately wishing for a cup of Faculty coffee.

That was when a letter appeared out of a hole in the fabric of reality, landing on the Professor's desk.

The room became extremely quiet. Except for Jaded's snoring of course.

The Professor gingerly took the paper, an expression of utter dread on his face.

"It's that time of the month again."

* * *

Back in Multiverse-616, Jaune was doing his homework in the library. At least, that was what he had told his team. In reality, he had gotten a mysterious note earlier, and he wanted to find out who sent it. It talked about needing a helper of some sort, and they said something about an eye-opener? It was just too weird to pass up.

Now, if only he could find the Historical Fiction section. It was somewhere around the Romance novels, wasn't it? Maybe he should double check the enclosed map again…

As he looked down, trying to find the place on the map, something large and heavy impacted against the back of his head with a loud "CLANG." Only his aura kept him from losing consciousness right away, but he was fading. And as he was fading, he could vaguely see his assailants… Two blonde men, one in a suit, the other in a dress shirt and black pants. Their voices sounded really similar for some reason…

"Dammit Asshole, why do you always use that stupid thing?"

"Just shut up and take his feet, will you? We need to get him to Headquarters ASAP. Wait, I just saw a twitch."

And then he knew no more.

* * *

Jaune woke up a few hours later to the sound of people arguing. He was a little groggy, and could taste a little blood in his mouth. What happened to him? The last thing he could remember, he was in a library, and then…

"I'm telling you, he'll be able to handle it! He's the only one of us who we can safely put into Professor-63's place! PA has to help handle the other threats, it's not like we can handle this without him!"

Professor… Where had he heard that before? Something about him and a note? What was going on, where was he! Slowly, he opened up his eyes. And saw… himself? Lots of himself? There was him wearing a suit, him in a dress shirt, an older him wearing a trench coat over a version of his armor, a version of himself who looked like a farmer, and someone who looked like his dad!

"He's not ready yet, remember the incident with the Yandereverse! If he couldn't handle that one without screwing things up, how could he handle this! Plus, he can't pose as the Professor! He's not old or studly enough yet!"

Wait a minute… That thing that happened a few days ago really happened? Was it real? He wasn't dreaming it or anything? He was a hero! He actually wasn't useless! Well, he did have that cookie, but apparently that wasn't real. Poor Yandereverse-13… Oh, where was he? Right, they obviously brought him back because they needed him. Something about taking Professor-63's place? Who was that? "Um, hello?"

The arguing stopped. Everyone in the room turned to face Jaune. Or was it everyone in the room turned to face themselves? Ah, it doesn't matter, the point is they were all looking at him.

The Professor got up and walked over to Jaune. "Welcome back, CJ. There has been an urgent problem in the multiverse, and we need your help." He put his hands on Jaune's shoulders. "You are the only person able to take this mission, can we trust you to handle it?"

Jaune thought about this deeply. On one hand, the last time they had trusted him with a mission, he saw Weiss beheaded, Yang losing an arm, Pyrrha getting stabbed, and Blake curling up into a ball. All because of a version of him. Not exactly the best first mission. On the other hand, it showed that they really trusted him! And this was a chance to prove that he could do what they needed him to do, and be the hero he always wanted to be! Slowly, and with a look of determination on his face, he nodded.

Professor patted his shoulder. "Good man, CJ. Now, let's get you briefed, shall we?" He turned to the bank of monitors behind his desk and pressed a button on his scroll. A group photo appeared on the screen, of women dressed similarly to the people in the room. They almost looked like his sisters in some way… "This is the Society of Jeanne. Our sister organization, in more ways than one. They handle much of the same problems that we do, except for universes designated as 63, or in other words, Genderbent. All the girls are men, and all the men are all girls. Do you follow me so far?" Jaune nodded. "Good. Now, obviously, we're girls too. And at the moment, in the Society Headquarters, it's 'that' time of the month."

The room let out a collective shudder. Living in a house with 7 sisters… They were all much too familiar with what happened.

After he regrouped, the Professor went on. "Now, there's been an incident in Professor Jeanne's universe, and they can't deal with the problem. So, we have to step in and fix it."

Jaune nodded, though he was still a little confused about why he was here. "So what's my role in all this?"

The Professor looked away for a second and said, "Oh, it's quite simple. You take the place of Professor-63, and we go deal with the problem."

Well, that sounded about… Wait a second!

"I am not cross-dressing!"

The Professor nodded. "I can understand your point of view, I've seen the footage from the Dance incident, but it's not like our sisters didn't do it to us before, right? "

"What are you talking about? What dance? And no matter what my sisters say, they never put me in-"

"CLANG"

The Professor sighed. This seemed to be a multiversal constant. "Well, while I can't agree with your execution, I suppose that'll work for now. Good job, Jaded."

"What are you talking about? I just got up and wanted to hit something with a frying pan. You're telling me it actually served a purpose?"

"CLANG"

"He twitched."

"CLANG"

"Twice."

* * *

When Jaune woke up (again), he was in a nice looking apartment. There was a kitchen, a living room, and really nice granite countertops. How did he get here? The last thing he remembered was something about him having to… Oh.

Reaching up a hand, he slowly felt his hair… His long hair. He walked towards the bedroom. And in the full-length mirror, he saw everything. His armor's chest bump, his new blue trenchcoat, and the eyeliner that they had put on his face. Well, crap.

His scroll buzzed. It was a restricted number. When he opened the message, it was an apology letter from the Professor. It basically said, "Sorry about giving you multiple concussions, here's how you don't reveal yourself as a person of the male persuasion, Good Luck!" Dick move, Professor. Dick move.

As he opened the attachment, he slowly became more and more horrified. Apparently, there was some kind of ice cream dwarf that helped him "train," unwanted attention from students, criminal ties, and an immense amount of paperwork to do! Not to mention the briefing on all of his friends!

"Rook Branwen will try to bed you at every opportunity. The Sexual Chocolate genes of the Xiao-Long clan are extremely strong with him. Approach with caution. Siegfried Schnee is a dick. Avoid punching his smug face, unless it's a combat demonstration. This also applies to Rook Branwen and Black Belladonna. Noah Valkyrie is extremely sensitive about his height. Avoid mentioning it unless you want to be the first non-sci-fi Jaune in space. Yes, Pyrope Rose is the perfect little brother. No, you may not take him home. In addition, Ozmerelda, Petal Port, Dr. Oobleck, Team CRDL, Yatsu, Vix, and Lie Rin are hot. It's not weird if you don't think about it too hard."

Seriously, this had to be the least glorious assignment ever.

* * *

"This is the least glorious assignment ever."

The Inner Circle was in the sewers below Vale, trying to find the anomaly. The Society of Jeanne had picked up hostile activity from the sewers, but their sensors weren't able to detect more than that. Which could mean any number of things. Bullshit semblance, new Grimm, stolen cloaking technology, you name it. Thus, the Inner Circle were going through the sewers the old fashioned way. One tunnel at a time.

"It's not that bad. Certainly not the worst thing I've done." Jaded, through some unknown means, was the only one wearing actual sewer gear. Much to the annoyance of everyone else. Especially Justin.

He growled at Jaded. "Oh, right, I forgot. Your life is the least glorious assignment ever. Let's all just go and leave this to you, shall we? You're an asshole, so you can deal with all this shit."

Ghost floated around Justin, rolling his eyes. **"Seriously, I've never seen anyone cattier than you two. And I live with Blake. Get over it already."**

Justin glared at Ghost. "Easy for you to say. You aren't down here with all this shit! Why aren't you the one down here, huh?"

Ghost rolled his eyes again. **"We've been over this, I can't go too far from you, or else I get pulled back. It's not exactly the most fun feeling in the world, getting dragged through reality by your soul. And besides! We're possibly the most prepared Jaune's in the multiverse for this. What could go wrong?"**

"HOLY SHIT, THEY GOT THE PROFESSOR! CLOSE RANKS NOW!"

"God damn it, Ghost."

* * *

By the time Jaune had finished reading the attachment, it was almost time for his first scheduled class. Something he was not looking forward to. Hopefully Professor Port would do all the talking, he certainly did back in Jaune's universe.

As he walked down the hall, he noticed he was getting a lot of attention. Some unwelcome attention from the male population, but still, a lot of attention. Apparently, this was one of the only ways he was popular… Be a teacher. Pfft, like that could ever happen at his age.

A sultry voice growled from his rear, "Hey Professor, did you just come back from a fire?"

Jaune turned around, dreading what he would see behind him. He was a few inches taller, and the lack of breasts and long hair were certainly noticeable, but there was no mistaking that smug smirk. Or those purple eyes. This had to be Yang's doppelganger. "Um, hello there… Rook? I'm perfectly fine, I just came from my room, why do you ask?"

Rook's smirk became even smugger if such a thing were possible. "Because you're smoking hot."

Even Jaune had to cringe at that one.

Rook paused for a second, looking confused. "Wait, is there a frog in your throat or something? Your voice sounds really deep today." Crap, he forgot about the voice!

Jaune coughed a couple times before replying in his best imitation of his mom, "Why yes, yes I do, though it's nothing too serious. Nothing to worry about, I'm perfectly normal, totally fine…" A thought struck him, "Shouldn't you get to class? It's getting close to your first period, isn't it?"

He waved off the suggestion, "Nah, I've still got time. I just wanted to say hello to my favourite teacher…"

"Rook, stop flirting with the Professor! We need to get to class!"

A young boy dressed in red appeared next to Rook. Though he had a shorter haircut and was wearing jeans instead of a combat skirt, this had to be Ruby's counterpart. He somehow still looked cute, though not in the same way as Ruby. Somehow it was less appealing, though.

Rook caught Pyrope in a headlock and began to noogie him playfully. "Aww, come on bro! I just wanted to have some fun! Xiao-Long's it been since we last had a chance to talk anyways!"

"Last I checked, about 12 hours Rook." Wait, when had Blake… Oh, that wasn't Blake. This version of Blake was wearing a baggy zip-up hoodie and a pair of black pants… The bow was apparently not an option here. He looked bored. And tired.

"What are you dolts doing! We have class in 1 minute!" Owww… His ears! That voice was so shrill, so bitchy… Who the hell was that! Some guy wearing a white suit and a red cumberbund, with a scar over his eye, he looked like an utter… Oh, wait, that was Snow Angel? How! This had to be some kind of glitch, right? Yup, totally just a minor universal glitch. No way he would judge someone on something as superficial as gender…

"Wait, that soon? Crap, we really need to go, see ya Professor! Just look for Rook when you want to have a good time!" With that, the rest of team… Wait, what was their name? Still RWBY? No, Yang wasn't Yang. What were they?

"Team RBBS away!"

Well, Rubies wasn't that bad.

This was not going to be an easy mission.

* * *

"This is not going to be an easy mission."

The Inner Circle were surrounded. All exits blocked. Their leader had been captured. They were literally in the dark, and all they could see were glowing eyes and writhing tentacles.

"Oh yeah, that's the stuff, work it harder, HARDER!"

And Jaded was being an asshole.

"Dammit Jaded, look below their waists! They literally have spider bodies! With hard shells and spikes!"

"Don't you dare take this away from me Magnis! They have exposed titties, so let me have this! I haven't been on a mission in months, dammit!"

"THEY'RE CLOSING IN, SWORDS AT THE READY, MEN! WE WILL NOT FALL TONIGHT!"

* * *

"They were closing in, I was surrounded on all sides, but the beasts were no match for my sheer audacity!"

Port's class was still a universal constant, it seemed. He wasn't sure what he had expected at first, some kind of change, maybe actual information during the lessons? Then he had entered the classroom. All he saw was a voluptuous woman, with long silver hair, and as she turned, her face was just as beautiful as… And there was the moustache. Dammit. Luckily, she merely smiled and waved a cheery "Salutations Jeanne!" at him as he went over to his seat. He was still twitching slightly at the time, though he had managed to wave back. Seriously, it was exactly the same!

"And as the mighty Goliath charged, I stood my ground, the beast coming at me like the oncoming tide, and I raised my weapon high!"

At least this gave him some time to get more familiar with the people he knew in the room. His old team was sitting together, though instead of himself, a male Velvet was there. What was his name again? Samite? He looked like he was trying to stay away from his team… Which also contained a smoking hot version of Ren. Who he was trying not to think about, and yet was already imagining with bunny ears… Dammit, down boy, down! Luckily, the long coat and scroll hid it well enough.

Back to the rest of the team. Noah, formerly Nora, apparently, was about the same, although he seemed to be a little more awkward around Rin, Ren's double. They were close still, although Paris, Pyrrha's look alike, seemed to be having problems. He was trying to stay close to the rest of the team but looked lonely… It looked like he wasn't able to be as close to Noah and Rin, for obvious reasons. And Samite seemed to be aloof from them. Why was Samite on his team anyways? He was in the second year!

Sigh… Things just kept getting weirder.

* * *

"This just keeps getting weirder!"

The Inner Circle had successfully rebuffed the spider abominations, but they didn't have time to rest, as they realized that they still were missing the Professor. Oh, and Jaded had disappeared too. Apparently, he had managed to grab one's chest from behind, and had ridden it off down a side tunnel, screaming "I GOT ONE!" all the while.

After careful deliberation, taking a total of 5 milliseconds, they decided to abandon Jaded and go after the Professor. That was when the new wave of monsters came in.

It was an unholy abomination, something that deserved to die in a hole somewhere, a creature horrifying beyond all belief.

Grimm girls.

Not full Grimm, but some kind of half-Grimm hybrid, some dressed in tight-fitting turtlenecks and talking in an obnoxious accent, some wearing slutty clothes and yelling about "Snu-snu." Not a pretty sight.

"GROOKI WANT SNU-SNU!"

Househusband was using a mop and spray bottle to devastating effect. "Back off you vile beast, I have a wife, dammit! Eight wives!"

"Like, just get inside me already! I'm, like, totally in heat right now."

Justin just adjusted his shades, and in one fluid motion cleaved the girl in half. "Wish granted."

But as he delivered this devastating one-liner, another one snuck up from behind. And grabbed Ghost's teddy bear.

"Oh, MY GOD! Look at this Cheryl! It's so cute!"

 **"BEAR DOWN, I REPEAT, BEAR DOWN! JUSTIN, HEEEELLLLPPP!"**

"Ghost? Ghost!? GHOOOOOOSSSSSTTTT!"

 **"Wait, I forgot. I can just get out of the bear. Nevermind… "**

"But how are you going to get back to your universe?"

 **"... Shit."**

* * *

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Port's class was over. Apparently, according to the notes he had read on his scroll, his old team was now team RVNS. Led by Rin. Not that Jaune was that surprised, Ren always seemed like he was better suited to the role of leader. But somehow, his team didn't seem any better off.

Samite, this world's Velvet, had gotten injured on a mission with his old team, team CVYS (What was with all the plural team names?), and it led to him being set back a year. He was not happy about it and took it out on his team.

Jaune got a headache just thinking about all of the problems this world had. Seriously, what next?

With a heavy sigh, he went back into his room... Only to be greeted by a foot flying at his face.

"Eep!"

He barely managed to duck under the strike, but his assailant refused to let up. He was barely able to fend off the barrage of kicks and… Umbrella strikes? A brown and white umbrella. With a really sharp tip. This had to be the ice cream dwarf that they mentioned in the attachment.

As he thought this, there was a sound like glass shattering, and he was hit in the back of the head by an elegant white dress shoe. Oh, right. The dwarf could teleport.

When the room finally stopped spinning and he opened his eyes, he found himself staring into the face of a kid who looked like he was about 12 years old. A pair of inquisitive pink and brown eyes stared into his own.

"Um… Hi?"

The boy looked confused, pointing to the back of Jaune's head.

"Uh, I guess I wasn't ready for the kick?"

The boy rolled his eyes, giving the nonverbal equivalent of a "Duh."

"I'm... a little off my game today?"

The boy shook his head, looking exasperated. He teleported over to the table and pointed at the freezer.

Jaune was confused. What did he want? Why was he here? How did he get into this situation? Why was there an ice cream dwarf torturing him?

Oh. Ice cream dwarf.

He walked over the the freezer and looked inside. It was completely packed with ice cream, of all different brands and flavors. Burnt Alaska, Pink Lemonade, Neapolitan, you name it. He looked back at the dwarf, who now had his feet on the table, and was balancing precariously on the back two legs of the chair.

"Any particular flavor you want?"

The boy rolled his eyes into the back of his head. Then he pointed to his hair. It was pink, brown, and white.

"Neapolitan?"

The boy clapped sarcastically, and mimed giving him a trophy.

He didn't have to be such a dick about it, sheesh. So rude…

Jaune set the bowl of ice cream down in front of the dwarf. As he turned around to walk away, he heard a snapping sound in his rear. When he looked around, it was the dwarf. He was pointing to the ice cream, then his open mouth.

"You want me to feed you? Really? What are you, 12?"

The dwarf just kept pointing. Mouth, spoon. Mouth, spoon.

Jaune sighed. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

"This is going to be a long day…"

The Professor was tied to a chair in a room off the sewer. There was a single bulb flickering above him, and he didn't know where he was, or what the rest of his team was doing. He couldn't even tell how long he'd been in this room. Minutes? Hours? How could he even tell anymore. What was he going to do if he never got back to his world?

A worse thought suddenly dawned on him. What if he died a virgin!

The door at the other end of the room opened, letting in a dark figure, as tall and statuesque as a goddess, and yet as black as the night. As she entered the room, Jaune felt a profound sense of dread and fear, the likes of which he had never felt before.

"Professor Jaune Arc of Beacon… Leader of the League of Extraordinary Jaune-tlemen, are you not?" The figure's voice was like ice, cold, and hard, but he could hear a subtle rage behind the words.

"And if I am?"

"Then things are all the worse for you. It was bad enough when you had the professorship at Beacon, but with two prestigious titles? You have no excuse for your actions."

"And what actions would those be?"

"The actions that haven't given me any grandbabies yet!" The figure came into the light. She had a pale face, almost white, with a network of black veins running across it. Said face was contorted into a mask of rage.

"You have no excuse young man, I fed you, I cleaned you, I crushed your enemies, and I changed your diapers," A tear ran down her face, "And this is the thanks I get! You should be ashamed of yourself Jaune! I thought I raised you better than this!"

Jaune sighed. "For the last time Salem, you raised one alternate version of me. Why don't you talk with Jaded or Burnt instead?"

Salem waved him off. "No, they don't have the skills to raise a child." She glared at him. "You, on the other hand are a perfect catch!" She counted on her fingers, "Responsible, good income, steady job, what's not to like!"

"The fact that I'm not actually a professor and I can't date my students?"

She waved him off. "That doesn't matter. That Cinder girl was a promising prospect. She wouldn't care! She's an excellent choice. Responsible, manages money well, extremely attractive..."

"And a criminal psychopath with stolen magical powers?"

"What matters is that her heart is in the right place!"

"She literally wants to watch the world burn!"

"She has a kitten charity!"

"And a Kitten-Killer 9000!"

"That's just a name!"

"She took down the entire CCT!"

"It was a protest against the slow network speeds!"

"It caused Beacon to be utterly destroyed by a dragon!"

"Kevin is a good boy!"

"Who destroyed the top of the headmaster's tower?"

"He has trauma associated with penis-shaped chairs! And Ozpin infuriated him."

"How is that even possible? He's a dragon!"

"I don't need any lip from you young man! I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

"Multiversal version of me, not me!"

"Close enough!"

"No, not close enough!"

Salem opened her mouth to reply, but she was interrupted by a loud noise from outside. It almost sounded like an asshole was riding a spidertaur down the sewer.

Salem and Jaune just stared at the door in shock, as moans and smacks could be heard from the other side. After the noises reached a crescendo, there was only silence. A few seconds later, the door opened up.

"Hey Prof. What's up?"

* * *

 _Author's Note:_ _I LIVE. Hello there everyone who is actually reading this, my name is Capitain Lazar, also known as Stuck at Home Tome. This is my first published foray into publishing fiction, and I am desperately looking for feedback. Seriously, I would be on my knees if I didn't have to type. I am also the reason that this fic hasn't updated in over two months. Sorry about that. The gap will be much smaller this time, and this cliffhanger will be over soon. I've just been having life get in the way, so I figured I might as well make this a two parter. I have the plot for the rest of this, it's just a matter of writing it down._

 _Hope that this made you chuckle,_

 _Capitain Lazar_

 _PS. Yes, I know it's misspelled._

* * *

 **Wow, it's been a while. But it's okay, all that extra time went into creating a quality chapter for all you good people.**

 **Because yes, that is absolutely what happened, don't look at me like that.**

 **-Zonk**


End file.
